Charlie Harper
by DeanFan
Summary: Charlie tries to date Alan's employee who's half his age but Charlie is shocked when he finds out her secret.


**Disclaimer: Don't own Two and a half Men**

"Hey Jake," Charlie said in the kitchen.

"Hey Uncle Charlie," Jake said eating a slice of pizza.

"Where's you're father at?"

"On the deck playing Scrabble with Miranda," Jake answered.

"Who's Miranda?" Charlie asked liking the girl's name.

"She's a friend of dad's."

"Since when does he have friends?"

"It threw me off too."

"I think I'll go meet Miranda." Charlie said going out on the deck.

"33, 32, 31, 30…" Alan was counting down.

"Alan, would you please stop doing that?" Miranda said annoyed.

"You don't have a word do you?" Alan asked.

"Of course I do. A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G," She said placing the tiles on the board with a grin on her face. "Let's see that's 32 +50 is 82 points for me." She said grabbing the bag for new letters.

"82 points," Alan grumbled writing it down.

"That was a good one," Charlie told Miranda.

"You must be Charlie," Miranda said with a smile.

"Alan's told you about me," Charlie asked.

"Yes," She said quickly.

"Almost everything he says is not true," Charlie said.

"Give it a rest Charlie," Alan said looking at his tile rack.

"Excuse me, can I use you're restroom?" Miranda asked.

"Sure," Charlie said watching Miranda walk into the house.

"Don't even think about it Charlie. She's 25," Alan said peeking at Miranda's tile rack. "Unbelievable! She's got another S!"

"Isn't that cheating?" Charlie asked.

"She's up by 200 points," He whined. "How does she do it?"

"Maybe_ she_ has the Scrabble brain," Charlie said.

"Very funny," Alan said.

"So, how'd you meet her?"

"She's a patient of mine."

"I know it's none of my business but isn't that against the rules?"

"We're friends. Just two people that's good at Scrabble."

"Or in this case just her."

"I'm warning you Charlie don't try anything on her."

"Come on. She's not even my type."

"You're right. God forbid Charlie Harper dates a girl that's 50 pounds over weight and has long thick brown hair and dark eyes besides the tall skinny dumb blondes with blue eyes."

"I'm not that shallow," Charlie protested.

"Good one Charlie. Just like I have my own place," Alan laughed at that joke.

"I'll prove to you that I'm not shallow."

"No. Not with her," Alan said.

"Are you afraid I'll take away you're only friend?" Charlie asked.

"Yes," Alan said seriously. "I don't know too many people with a smart brain. Look at Jake."

"Point taken," Charlie said agreeing. "I'm going to ask her out on a date anyways."

"Charlie…"

"Don't worry Alan. It's not like I'm going to sleep with her."

"That's funny coming from you," Alan said. "Ha! H-O-T-D-O-G."

"You didn't look at my letters did you?" Miranda asked sitting down.

"No," Alan said quickly.

"Miranda can I get you something to drink? Perhaps some wine?" Charlie asked.

"I don't drink." She said.

"Like I said Charlie," Alan warned.

"Okay. I can take a hint." Charlie said.

"Not really," Alan said.

"Alan, give Charlie a break," Miranda said.

"Are you serious?" Alan asked shocked.

"He's just trying to be polite," Miranda said.

"Thank you," Charlie said with a smile.

"Miranda have you met Rose?" Alan asked.

"Who's Rose?" She asked back.

"Rose was a one night stand of Charlie's," Alan said.

Miranda stood up. "I think I'm going to leave."

"You don't have to," Alan protested. "We're not done with the game."

"Judging by the points I think you are," Charlie said.

"It was nice meeting you Charlie. Bye Alan," Miranda said walking out the front door.

"See what you did?" Alan said upset.

"Relax. I'll fix this," Charlie said going outside.

"Might as well do nothing," Alan said to himself.

OOOOOOOOOO

Outside

"Miranda wait. I'm sorry for what happened in there. I didn't mean to cause trouble." Charlie said.

"You didn't. I just hate it when Alan gets that tone in his voice," She said.

"What tone?"

"Never mind,"

"Oh. The whiney voice?"

"That's the one."

"Listen can I give you a ride home?"

"I don't know. I don't usually take rides from people I barely know."

"That's a smart choice but seeing how I'm Alan's brother there shouldn't be a problem right?"

"You're right. I know we barely met but you and Alan are nothing alike," She said as they walked in the garage.

"Thank God," Charlie said.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

The next morning…

"You were out late last night," Alan said at the table.

"I had an interesting evening. Miranda is quite the girl," Charlie said getting a cup of coffee.

"I don't believe this? You went after her after I told you no? Charlie I told you she's not the kind of girls you're into."

"Maybe I need a change. She's smart-" Charlie began.

"I could have told you that."

"She likes all kinds of movies which is every male's dream except war movies. She has a huge collection of movies and cds."

"Did you see all the books?"

"I tried not to notice. Get this and she likes to play pool! Where on earth can you find a girl that'll play?"

"Did she tell you about jet skiing and playing tennis?"

"Yes. I'm actually going riding with her today."

"This I got to see. Charlie Harper on a jet ski," Alan said with a chuckle.

"I heard those things are great. Apparently their great for vibration if you know what I mean," Charlie said with a smile.

"Charlie please! I'm eating."

"What's the big deal? You were right about her. She's not the type I go after which is why we have stuff in common."

"And the fact that she's old enough to be you're daughter," Berta tossed in as she walked in the kitchen.

"Please. We look nothing alike." Charlie said.

"Was that the girl with the same color hair as yours that was here yesterday?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"Your right. You two look nothing alike. Better pray you didn't do her mother 26 years ago," Berta said laughing.

"I would remember," Charlie protested.

"How? You can't even remember the girl's name you had sex with yesterday before you came home." Alan said.

"I do. It's…." Charlie was trying to think.

"Carrie." Alan said.

"Carrie! See I told you. Now if you'll excuse me I have a date," Charlie said leaving.

"I'd bet a years pay he ended up in bed with that girls mother," Berta said when he was gone.

OOOOOOOOO

"Are you sure these things are safe?" Charlie asked at the marina.

"You've never ridden one of these?" Miranda asked surprised watching him trying to get on it.

"Well I've seen them from the deck."

"Need some help?" Miranda asked trying not to laugh at Charlie.

"No. I think I got it."

He managed to get in the right position on the jet ski before loosing his balance and falling in the water.

"CHARLIE!" She asked shocked laughing. "Are you okay?"

He spit water out of his mouth. "Never better," He said struggling to keep afloat.

"We could try something else."

"No. No. We're going to ride this thing if it takes me all day to get on it."

"I should warn you you're body could get warn out the first time riding one of these."

"My body never gets warn out." He said once on the dock again.

"Isn't that cute. Father and daughter riding together. Want a picture?" A black man asked.

"She's not my daughter," Charlie protested.

"Really?" He said.

"We're just friends," Miranda said.

"Could have fooled me," the guy said leaving.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." Miranda said stepping on the dock like nothing.

"That guy didn't know what he was talking about."

"You are old enough though. I hate it when Alan's right."

"You hate that feeling too? Why don't we play pool? In a place like that it doesn't matter what age we are," Charlie said.

"Okay."

OOOOOOOO

A week later in Charlie's bed….

"Charlie," Miranda panted.

"I'm just getting started," He said kissing her more.

"Wait," She said pulling away. "Don't you think this is going too fast?"

"Well for me it's going slow."

"There's something that I have to tell you," She said serious.

He looked at her. "You're not going to tell me that you're a virgin are you because a girl tried to pull that with me once and it turned out she wasn't."

She just looked at him.

"Oh God," He said getting off the bed.

"Charlie.."

"Can I just say you don't kiss like one."

"Charlie…" She tried again.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" He asked freaking out.

"I was. I didn't think we were already going to end up here so fast." She said.

"Hello! Did Alan ever tell you about me?"

"Yes he did. To tell the truth you're not a complete jerk like Alan said you were. Most guys wouldn't even care as long as they got laid."

"Those creeps," He said.

"To tell you the truth I like you Charlie. We have a lot in common and you don't judge like Alan does."

Charlie sat back down on the bed. "He does that a lot."

"The reason why I haven't had sex yet is…"

"You don't have to tell me. It's none of my business."

"I want to wait until I get married instead of just sleeping with a bunch of guys who doesn't even care."

Charlie thought about it. "That's a good reason. Listen Miranda I like you too but-"

"You just want to be friends now." She finished.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. You're old enough to be my father anyways."

"Exactly."

"Well it was nice to meet you Charlie Harper." She said standing up holding out her hand.

"See you around?" He asked shaking hers.

"Call me if you just ever want to make out until you get laid." She said with a smile leaving.

"Not a total loss." Charlie said to the room.

OOOOOOOOOOO

"Where's Miranda?" Alan asked at the table.

"We decided just to be friends," Charlie said sitting down.

"Found out she's a virgin?"

Charlie looked at him in shock. "You knew? And you didn't tell me?"

"Hey. I told you she wasn't your type."

"You could have been more specific that's all."

"What's a virgin?" Jake asked standing by Alan.

"Jake. I thought you were playing video games." Alan said.

"I was but I got hungry. What's a virgin?" Jake asked again.

"Something you'll be at least until you're 18." Alan said.

"Or what my case was 15," Charlie said.

**THE END**


End file.
